I guess I should have expected it. I should have known these things don’t last long –now do they? It would be safe to assume that my cynical stance was a defense mechanism of some sort. Before plunging in, I initially had to ask myself the most important question , which was, are you willing or ready to deal with things when they go pear shaped, as they invariably do? The answer was an emphatic yes! Plus, ubushumane is not affirming if you are not a monk! You should have seen how I looked in those early stages of what I refer to as the “face to face” period-ubutsha bomjolo!. What they refer to as cloud nine was an understatement.
I was suddenly walking with a new gait. But the nagging feeling that I could get hurt was always present like a teacher’s pet in primary school. I just chose to ignore it as I felt it would sabotage what I was experiencing, my new found nirvana! Come to think of it, fuck whoever made me believe I could date outside my social class. It could be those nauseating motivational speakers on Noeleen or even Oprah, but I’m not too sure now. Was it not Felicia in the nineties? The dating outside your social class lie is one of the most potent lies that was ever concocted by the media to keep poor folk living in perpetual hope, i.e. hoping for ascendency through fucking the right sperm club.
If your parents are not the nouveau riche-amaBEE or if you are not a BEE mogul, what the fuck do you want with those people? Expect for a job of course, or some advice on how to get some million rand tenders! My answer for the question above was situated between self flagellation and the self delusion that which I was a novelty. I can be so dumb and naïve sometimes! I heard recently from the esteemed working class “hero”, Mr Vavi that S.A has surpassed Brazil as the most unequal society in the world. He was speaking at some Cosatu conference, or was it not an A.N.C rally, well it doesn’t matter now does it. In that depressing social context what would possess me into dating someone who had more than I could ever have, except for that self flagellation and self delusion I alluded to earlier on.
When we finally broke up which I saw coming a mile away owing to my abilities to predict the future like Credo Mutwa, interestingly, I think I lost more than she did. She lost a friend and a lover-I’m quoting her verbatim. Mna, I lost everything .I lost that phony respect I got from my friends for “bagging such an evil girl” We call them evil if they are good looking, that’s our lingo, get with the programme! I also lost the awe I saw in my friends faces when I told them of our exploits during our trysts. Some of my jealous friends were relieved that I was finally humbled into accepting my place. I was no longer fuckin with how things are meant to be, i.e. the wretched with wretched, the affluent with the affluent. Some were even disappointed that I never leeched from her. Damn! What’s up with these shallow darkies.
They would ask- she never gave you cash?
“didn’t you ask for it?
And last with a sense of resignation written all over their township impoverished countenances-they would them ask worriedly…What’s wrong with you Bra?
I was too broken to even think of those missed opportunities. When she broke it off she offered some feeble excuse. She said…let me not even go there it’s to infuriating even now to contemplate. You see, Pat Shange has a stupid song: it says a man is not supposed to cry, or if he dares to, it must be inward-whatever that means. Strew u thousand times Pat shange, I cried! I cried for days nogal. My indifferent siblings never notice that I was going through what I call heart-ical conflagration-amaRasta messed me up-what the fuck is that?. Only my mother saw my state, she would give me a look that said I understand mtshana I’ve been there before. And believe me she knew!
A few weeks later I’m at home nursing my wounds, she calls, telling me she’s dating again. “I couldn’t start a new relationship without finding closure, and without informing you” that’s her sounding rehearsed and condescending simultaneously. All wanted to do was to say fokof!!I truly wanted to say so, but I merely concentrated on making sure my true feelings wouldn’t betray me. Maybe that was my inward Pat Shange moment! “okay thanks for telling me-I guess” that’s what I finally said with a timid emasculated tone-I don’t think there was any of my usually virility in my voice-yeah right! After the awkward moment, we then proceeded to have another awkward conversation I don’t care to remember.
I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but I’m convinced-ndatywelwa! If I was not then fucking another phony nigga after just a few weeks is cheating to me- I’m sure it must have been a corny/phony bitch-ass-nigga!. This I told her jokingly. But deep down I wanted to strangle her, and make her beg for each precious breath from that treacherous mouth of hers. But I’m not cut out for a life ‘in die kamer” i.e. prison in gaam Afrikaans in the Cape Flats.
All is well now- I think. I’m cool. I’m totally done with that unfortunate phase in my life. If she cheated she did, there is nothing to be said or done to reverse what happened. What matters is that I went through the purgatory which is starting over. I think about her once in a while. But I always make sure I fokof her out of my thoughts. It’s not always easy but I gotta do what I gotta do! Plus anyway I don’t have a problem with masturbation for the time being. It’s not emotionally taxing and it’s cheap!
This whole scenario brought forth a metamorphosis in me. A new darkie has been born. I’m now truly a born again. This new guy knows he’s flawed and isn’t denying it. I’m just swimming in my faulty ways and it’s quite refreshing to say the least. Since this occurrence I’ve reverted to my old ways of leading a life of unintended asceticism. Well to be frank I was always a victim of that life. But I’ve learnt to enjoy life like how a young nigga is supposed to do. . learnt to free myself from a restrictive religious and dogmatic philosophy and I’ve stopped trying, and punishing, me for some moral rectitude inspired type of life. The whole thing has been cathartic.
But recently I went overboard-with the new freer me persona. I had sex this other girl or women without ooManto, now I have no choice but to go an H.I.V test. Please pray for me-don’t want to be another Zombo plus I hate those counselors in those testing centers, they are frikkin alarmists!
